Teen dating violence is a growing issue, with the U.S. Centers for Disease Control (CDC) reporting that 1 in 12 teenagers experience physical or sexual dating violence each year. In some places, that rate is much higher, with some agencies reporting up to 1 in 3 teenagers experiencing various forms of abuse from their partner.
In 1994, President Bill Clinton signed the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), providing housing protections for people who have experienced domestic violence, dating violence, sexual assault or stalking. When the legislation was reauthorized in 2005, teen dating violence was given a platform, with the creation of the Children and Youth Exposed to Violence Program. Known as the Consolidated Youth Program or CEV, the program serves victims ages 0 to 24, responding to exposure to violence in their homes, promoting teen dating violence awareness and prevention and engaging men as leaders in combating violence against women and girls.
Yet, teen dating violence rates continue to increase.
Two years after VAWA was reauthorized, Love is Respect was established as a resource for support and advocacy for young people ages 13 to 26. The agency, which operates to “disrupt and prevent unhealthy relationships and intimate partner violence,” was created as part of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, becoming the first 24-hour resource for teens experiencing dating violence.
In 2010, the U.S. Congress established February as National Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month to promote safe and healthy relationships among teenagers. “Nationwide, youth ages 12 to 19 experience the highest rates of rape and sexual assault,” reports youth.gov. “Studies show that approximately 10% of adolescents report being the victim of physical violence at the hands of an intimate partner.”
What is Dating Violence?
Dating violence can be psychological, such as name calling or teasing, stalking, aggressive non-verbal communication, threats of violence,and hurting a pet or loved one. “Intent” is a word used by advocates in trying to determine what behaviors are harmful. If the goal is to have control, inflict harm or bring fear on someone, it is considered abuse.
Locally, the Rose Andom Center provides safety resources and support for victims of intimate partner violence, with services for people of all ages.
“Some of the nuances for teen dating violence happens to be peer pressure. Teens have much more to deal with than adults. The other difference is social media, which is another dynamic youth tend to deal with more,” says Rachel Rodriguez, the organization’s associate director, referring to its trauma-informed response that focuses on survivors.
“The type of control that someone has using their social status over their victim or activities they’re involved in, then rumors…the victim is victimized by the whole system.”
Since 1982, Alternatives to Violence has served Loveland and Southern Larimer County with shelter, advocacy, education and resources for people impacted by domestic violence, sexual assault and human trafficking.
The organization’s program manager, Jillian Kolman, says, “A lot of young people don’t know what to expect, whether seeking healthy behaviors or not noticing red flags. It is a different element.”
The Damaging Effects of Dating Violence
According to the Office on Women’s Health, “Children who witness violence between their parents may also be at greater risk of being violent in their future relationships.”
Over 15 million children in the U.S. live in homes where domestic violence has occurred at least once. For these children, the risks are incredibly high. Children who witness domestic violence in their households at an early age, or who are victims of abuse themselves are at risk for long-term physical and mental health issues. Exposure to violence can impair healing and make it difficult to come forward in the event that they are victimized later in life.
The trauma from abuse can have a lifetime of consequences and result in teenagers developing eating disorders, behavioral issues, substance abuse, depression, anxiety and PTSD. It may also cause victims to normalize abuse, continuing a pattern of violent relationships as they develop.
RaeAnne Spence, a member of a survivors’ group, revealed that she had to change schools for safety reasons a year after her ex-boyfriend, a football player, murdered his girlfriend. His girlfriend was a popular student on the drill team who was fatally stabbed in the school’s hallway one day after ending the relationship. For Spence and her classmates, the exposure was devastating.
A New Trend
Technological advancement has introduced a new trend related to teen dating violence.
Cyber or digital dating abuse including psychological aggression, control and monitoring behavior, cyber harassment, manipulation, image-based sexual violence and spreading humiliating multimedia content is the newest form of dating violence affecting young people.
In an article published by the National Institutes of Health’s National Library of Medicine, researchers state that victims of cyber-dating are more likely to experience other forms of intimate partner violence later in life. It doesn’t help that depictions of dating violence are readily available across increasingly popular multimedia platforms.
Rodriguez says, “There’s so much media, whether movies, TV shows, songs or social media. Our societal message perpetrates the normalization of unhealthy relationships.”
Never Too Early to Learn
The signs of teen dating violence are usually more visible than in instances of adult abuse, which can be hidden through isolation and economic means.
Rodriguez points out that in the early phases of a teenage relationship – marked by the “infatuation phase – potentially harmful and unhealthy behaviors can be identified through “love bombing.”
“Sending lots and lots of texts, sending gifts early, using the L word early. They may say, ‘I’m the only one who can love you like I do,’ or offer to pick you up from school because they profess to care, when it’s really to isolate and keep tabs on them,” she warns.
Erinn Robinson, Media Relations Director of the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) says, “You can see a change in a teen’s personality. You may see irritability; you may see a normally quiet person become more outgoing or risk-taking; or you may see an outgoing teen pull away or disassociate.”
It’s never too early to teach teens about dating violence. Lessons about what dating violence is and what to look for among their peers is preventative and potentially life-saving.
“It’s important for teens to know they are beginning their dating lives and learning how to date. If something does happen, it’s not their fault, and they’re worthy of help,” says Robinson.
Rodriguez agrees, “I don’t think anyone is ever too young to understand healthy relationships. It needs to start very young.”
She addresses terms such as “boys will be boys” and the false notion that “if a boy pulls your hair or hits you, it’s because he likes you,” saying, “That’s a form of abusive behavior. We must change our messaging and cannot normalize even the smallest, subtle means of violence.”
The most important consideration when communicating with teenagers is trust. In moments when a teen confides that they’ve experienced violence, advocates unanimously agree that the best response is to support them by believing them and listening without judgment.
Robinson suggests using phrases like, “I believe you” and “You’re not going to get in trouble for talking to me,” to create a safe place for sensitive conversations to occur.
Creating Healthy Habits
Teen dating affects approximately 1.5 million students each year, but for Kolman and others working to reduce the number of young people affected, the best way to prevent abuse is to learn and establish healthy dating habits from the start.
“Reach out to your local resources,” she suggests. “We can travel and do virtual presentations as well. We’d love to share in classrooms, with school staff or with parents. It is important to talk about it sooner than later.”
The following tips for teenagers can help create healthy relationships:
- Know Your Worth: Understand that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
- Set Boundaries: Clearly define what you are comfortable with and communicate your boundaries early in the relationship.
- Learn Healthy Communication: Practice expressing your thoughts and feelings openly and respectfully, and encourage your partner to do the same.
- Recognize Warning Signs of Abuse: Be aware of behaviors such as excessive jealousy, controlling actions, constant criticism or pressure to do things you’re not comfortable with.
- Trust Your Instincts: If something feels off or makes you uncomfortable, it’s important to address it or seek help.
- Maintain Independence: Spend time with friends and pursue your hobbies and interests outside of the relationship to maintain balance and individuality.
- Avoid Isolation: Stay connected with friends and family, and don’t let a partner discourage or prevent you from maintaining these relationships.
- Educate Yourself About Consent: Understand that consent is a clear, mutual, and ongoing agreement, and no one has the right to pressure or coerce you.
- Be Honest About Your Feelings: Share how you feel and encourage open dialogue about any concerns or conflicts in a respectful manner.
- Learn to Handle Rejection: Understand that it’s okay to say no or to accept someone else’s boundaries without taking it personally.
- Seek Support if Needed: If you feel unsafe, uncomfortable or unsure about a relationship, talk to a trusted adult, counselor or peer.
- Recognize Healthy vs. Unhealthy Behaviors: A healthy relationship is based on trust, respect, support and equality. Unhealthy behaviors include manipulation, intimidation and threats.
- Be Patient with Yourself: Relationships take time to grow and improve. Don’t rush into anything you’re not ready for.
- Know When to Walk Away: If a relationship becomes unhealthy or abusive, it’s okay to leave. Prioritize your well-being and safety.
Editor’s note: If you or someone you know is experiencing teen dating violence, reach out to the following organizations for help: National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline 1-866-331-9474; The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233); or Love Is Respect www.loveisrespect.org.
