T.H. Mack Albert Monteir
It has been said that single fathers are more often
separated from a child’s life because of unfortunate circumstances such as divorce,
separation and even death.
However, from their own experience, some single fathers say
they go the extra mile to do what they can for their children, although
oftentimes, their efforts go unnoticed and little is known about their dilemma.
After being a single father for 10 years and going through a
difficult time with the court systems, T. H. Mack Sr. founded the Men Who Care program
two years ago to help single fathers.
Mack got joint custody of his 4-year-old daughter and
18-month-old son after his divorce, but feels he spent more time with his children
than their mother, who he said was more absent in their lives. He still feels the court system operated with
a backwards mentality when dealing with his rights as a single father and the
betterment of the children.
“It seemed to me as if the courts were more concerned about
their obligations than the betterment of the child, whether the father was in
the child’s life or not,” Mack, now 43, said. “The courts were more concerned
about dictating to the parents what they will or will not do for the child
rather than what was best for the child.”
Mack is proud to have created a stable environment for his
children, who are now 15 and 17, during that period of disconnect with his now
ex-wife. At the time, he coached his daughter’s track team, and taught football
and basketball. While most probably never realized Mack was a single father, he
oftentimes would overhear what he described as disparaging comments about single
fathers.
“Women were going on about how all the fathers were out of
their children’s lives. One day, a lady who knew me and my ex-wife said, ‘Well,
wait a minute, this guy isn’t like that,’” he said.
“Even when I was married, I used to take care of my daughter’s
hair,” said Mack, now a father of four who has been remarried for four years.
“What I didn’t know, I’d ask the women in my family. I had the luxury of having
beauticians in my family, so my daughter’s thick, kinky locks of hair ran down
the middle of her back. I always cut my son’s hair, also. I did it all. I was a confidant, friend and
father.”
He describes his current family as the “Black Brady Bunch”
because of the combination of their four children, his two and two from his
wife’s first marriage. Mack said he was always available and able to
participate in his children’s lives both before and after his first marriage
It was not as easy for Albert Monteir, after first
separating from his girlfriend and becoming a single dad to his two-and-a-half-year-old
son, Jayden Alonzo Monteir. It did,
however, become more manageable over time.
“I know it
is scary when you do not know a lot about raising a child and the expectation
is that the mother will be there to do the things that you cannot,” said
Monteir. “But, you will be surprised and
will soon learn that the things you cannot do, you will do when that person is
not around. Now, I feel empowered to do
anything I set my mind to and I have to, it is important for me and my child.”
Monteir, a 33-year-old
TCF Bank manager, describes his daily routine with Jayden as one that keeps him
busy, but it is something he has gotten used to.
“Sometimes when my son is not around, and I do have some free
time, I find myself at a loss as to what I can do because I am so used to
spending that time with Jayden,” he said.
This single father is taking his time to find the right
companion but hopes it will be soon. He says
he does love to entertain and be entertained once in a while. Even though Monteir
has witnessed customers at the bank closing accounts and having difficulty
getting loans, he says the economy decline has not yet scratched his pockets.
While he knows child care is a very costly financial
commitment that working parents have to be ready for, he feels blessed that he
can fulfill his obligation.
“I waited for my son to grow a bit older so I could leave
him with someone when I go out. I leave him with my mother. I also have a
babysitter who cares for him when I am at work,” Monteir said.
According to Mack, statistical data shows that mothers are
most often with the children, but in his case and in many others, he believes, the
mother “was doing her own thing.”
During Mack’s research, he found 38 percent of men who were
paying child support did not get to see the child they were supporting within a
five-year period – sometimes even when they had custody.
“I found out the courts are only interested in money. Only a
certain percentage of it makes it to the child or to the mother, and a percentage
of goes into the system of which you may never see or even see its benefits,” he
said.
Mack is mentoring 25 fathers a year through his Men Who Care
program. While there, young divorced, separated and single men, new to
fatherhood are taught how to become fathers and what to expect.
The program also tries to get fathers reintegrated into homes,
because Mack believes a lot happens to children who come from fatherless families.
For example, 75 percent of children in state-operated institutions, whether
criminal or psychiatric, are from fatherless homes.
“In homes without a male figure, children are 20 times more likely
to have mental disorders, and from the national average, 90 percent are more
likely to drop out of school. They are 85 percent more likely to end up in
prison or under institutional custody, which means probation, jail or some kind
of house arrest,” Mack added.
Men, as young as 16, are taken into his program. At that
age, Mack feels enough maturity exists so that certain conversations can be
addressed with a parents’ consent.
“We will take them in. If it is a case such as a 16-year-old
young man impregnates a young lady or is engaged in sexual activity, we provide
special mentoring services to him,” Mack said.
A lawyer is also available in case these fathers need legal
services.
Since the organization is open to the general public, he
wants the men to understand a general sense of life, as well as the capability
for a spiritual one.
Mack said, “We have, ministers, pastors, imams, rabbis and
priests. It is a vast majority of different religions, so we are not swaying to
only one that can relate to that young man.”
“They basically tell them about abstinence and
responsibility. We offer a program that teaches about young fatherhood,” he
said. “That does not just apply to young fathers but to a young man who has
done things in the correct way – graduated from college, just got married and
started a family, although his father was not in the home while he was growing
up. There are many things he will encounter as a father.”
Mack has been contributing to many of the organization’s
program expenses out of his pocket, but he appreciates the businesses who have
donated funds to the organization. He understands that many of the single
fathers do not have enough money to participate, but advises them to not stop participating.
Joining the program costs $100 a year.
“Proper guidance and counseling is
needed to have the proper temperament. One has to understand that when your
spouse is a little aggravated than normal, it might not be you. It might be
society at large,” Mack said.
“We have banks going out of business; we have two wars in
this country; we have Americans losing their jobs; we have fortune 500
companies that are over 100 years old closing their doors,” he added.
Mack says most of the single fathers in his program have
jobs. But the organization also has outreach programs where they partner with
other nonprofits in the community that provide job resources.
Mack tells African-American fathers
and others that loving their children is priceless, and has nothing to do with
whether they have money or not.
Monteir says single fathers just have to love their children
– which is a perfect step in the right direction.
Editor’s note: To reach T.H. Mack or for more information on
the Men Who Care program, call 303-366-6303, e-mail mack@menwhocare.org or visit
www.menwhocare.org.
