Real People, Real Advice

Editor’s note: Ask Deanna! Is an advice column known for its fearless approach to reality-based subjects! Ask Deanna! can be heard every Sunday on KTYM AM 1460 at 3 p.m. in Los Angeles, CA.

Dear Deanna!

I’m in a relationship and I think my boyfriend has another life. We’ve dated for two years and he’s always worked third shift. While on medical leave I noticed he never came home until noon. When I asked about this he told me that he goes to the gym. I followed him and his gym turned out to be an apartment complex. We argued and instead of telling me about the apartment, he accused me of not trusting him. What do I do?

Betrayed

Winston Salem, NC

Dear Betrayed:

If you have to stalk a man and chase him down for answers, then you’re with the wrong person. He placed the blame on you instead of confessing the truth and being honest. He’s burning two ends of the candle by working at night, being with one woman in the morning and being with you in the evening. Don’t settle for less because you deserve more. Heal yourself from the inside out, count your loss and keep it moving.

Dear Deanna!

My grandmother is a sweet, sacrificing lady that has given me everything in life to be successful. I’ve decided that I don’t want any more education but she insists that I go ahead and complete my Masters Degree. She’s just cleared her debt and paid my student loans and I can’t bear to see her struggle again. How do I make her understand this without hurting her feelings?

Teena

Omaha, NE

Dear Teena:

Your grandmother pushing you towards a higher degree isn’t a bad problem. It’s good you’re not a user and is willing to be concerned about her finances. Take the time and show your grandmother how to invest with the option that if you go back to school, you’ll let her help. This way she can save money and have hope that you’ll come to her first when it’s time to hit the books again.

Dear Deanna!

I’m a white collar professional and my relationship is causing problems with my social life. My girlfriend doesn’t have a degree and lacks polish when we do things with my friends. I worry that she’ll say something stupid and embarrass herself every time we go out. I want her to measure up to the women in my circle but she refuses and insists she want to be herself. I’m ready to end the relationship because my social life is important.

Anonymous

Orlando, FL

Dear Anonymous:

If you want a trophy, you need to buy a dog and place it in a dog show. Relationships are based upon personal truth, individual self-confidence and up front character. If you’re afraid of your girlfriend’s behavior in front of your friends, you should select new friends or change your stick in the mud attitude. You don’t deserve this woman if you place your social life before the relationship. Do yourself and your date a favor by ending the relationship and find a fool like yourself to date.

Dear Deanna!

I’m in love with a married man I’ve known for several years. I know that he and I would be together but he got someone pregnant and had to marry her. He stays in his marriage because of the child but it’s getting hard for him to not commit adultery with me. We’ve had dates here and there but we haven’t crossed the line. I’m at the point of no return and if we become intimate, he’ll leave his marriage. Should I feel bad if this happens?

Legal Mistress         

Raleigh, NC

Dear Mistress:

Did you enjoy the trip when you fell and hit your head? He is with the woman he wanted and it isn’t you. He is a real man and did the right thing by giving his child a family and a home that doesn’t include home wreckers like you. He’s just as wrong as you, but if you really care about him, stop being a temptation trying to claim forbidden fruit. He’s not leaving his wife and you need to stop the madness before someone gets hurt and keep it moving.

Dear Deanna!

I have two best friends that are always talking about each other. I listen to what they say but I never repeat anything that I hear. They’re going back and forth right now harder than ever and I’m being forced to choose sides. I don’t have an issue with either one of them and I think they’re being unfair. How do I choose who I want to be friends with because I can’t be friends with both of them?

Nicki

Buffalo, NY

Dear Nicki:

Do yourself a favor and lose some weight by dropping both of them. If they don’t value your friendship enough to shield you from their drama and games, then they don’t deserve your friendship. You’re not part of the problem now, but if you choose one over the other, you become a target from the other one. Before you make a decision, see if you can help your friends resolve their issues and if not, call it a three-way split and keep it moving.

Dear Deanna!

I walked away from a long marriage, a new home and a family because I wasn’t happy. My husband and kids took me for granted and walked over me. I did all I thought was necessary such as counseling, hiring babysitters for the kids and losing weight. No one in the family has noticed or cared about my pain, or cries for help or attention. Now that I’m gone, ignoring everybody, they don’t know what to do and are begging me to come home. What do I do?

Torn Wife

St. Louis, MO

Dear Torn Wife:

You need to have a major discussion with your husband who appears to be part of the problem. Your children don’t have a choice but to fall in line because they don’t pay any bills. Provide a list of your needs and wants and present them to your husband so you can get on the same page. If he’s willing to accommodate the important things on your list then you have a chance of restoring your marriage and regaining personal balance and footing in the household.

Dear Deanna!

My son is growing up to be a very angry little boy because he misses his father. I had a relationship with his dad but broke up with him because I wanted to be with someone else. My son doesn’t like my new boyfriend and he is misbehaving, throwing tantrums and his personality has changed. I want to take him to counseling but wanted to ask if you think he’s rebelling because he doesn’t see his real father anymore?

Anonymous                          

Denver, CO

Dear Anonymous:

Your son is hurt because his father is gone and you bring in a new uncle.  As parents, you had an obligation to explain the changes to your son so he could adjust.  In a child’s mind, he sees his father leave and another man is now kissing his mother. Focus your attention on your child and get to the root of his problems. If counseling is an option for your son be prepared and open minded to some personal lifestyle changes because the results will be priceless.

Dear Deanna!

I have gained a lot of weight and I feel that my husband is falling out of love with me. He’s not intimate with me, we don’t cuddle and he always acts as if I’m annoying him. I am trying to diet but it is so stressful sitting by watching and feeling that I’m losing my husband. He claims that he still loves me but his actions are extremely different from the words he says. What can I do to recapture the fire and energy in my marriage?

Overweight Wife

Toledo, OH

Dear Overweight:

If you’re having these feelings there’s no sense denying there’s some truth to what’s going on. The best way to tell if your husband is slipping is for you to lose weight. You need to be happy with good self-esteem. Once you get back into your zone, measure your husband’s activity and behavior towards you. If things don’t change, you have a problem that goes beyond weight. Be prepared for a discussion and seek honest answers regarding your relationship.

Dear Deanna!

I’m dating someone new and he has a child. My boyfriend’s daughter is 10 years old and she has no manners or home training. When they come to my house she puts her dirty feet on the sofa, and leaves her cups and candy wrappers everywhere. I nicely asked her to remove her things one day and he became upset with me.  This is a problem and I see the relationship won’t go any further until this is addressed. How do I deal with this sensitive subject?

Andrea

Charleston, SC

Dear Andrea:

You need to let your boyfriend know that your home is not a barn and his child will not treat it as such. The next time they visit, handle your business and tell her to remove her feet, clean after herself or whatever else you need to do. If your boyfriend says something use that opportunity to share your expectations. Moving forward if he or his daughter ignores the rules you provided, addresses it once more and if they don’t comply, dump them both and keep it moving.

Editor’s note: Ask Deanna is written by Deanna M.  Contact Ask Deanna! at askdeanna1@yahoo.com or write: Deanna M, 264 S. La Cienega, Suite 1283, Beverly Hills, CA 90211. Visit her Web site at www.askdeanna.com.